O heck, my car is sick. She's got the same symptoms she had a year ago, but the diagnosis is different and the mechanic tells me the treatment is different as well. I may get her back today or tomorow. I've been carless for four days and I really don't like that state of being helpless. I've done some pouting over it, I admit. You see, my extreme independence (OK, maybe it's pride) just screams for freedom. I was talking to a friend about it and he said how funny we are to get so attached to the things that give us ease and "...how in the world will we ever walk to Missouri!" He is so right - I am so spoiled! I've tried really hard to look at the bright side of things like: I'm so blessed that my darling daughter gives me rides; It's only costing me an arm, and not a leg, too for the repair; It could have been worse. But then I see the reality of the shape I'm in and realize that I can't even walk to work let alone MISSOURI!
So, after beating myself up for all my weaknesses, I finally came to the realization that being in rough or uncomfortable spots makes us stronger and not necessarily through anything we do on our own. I look back on the raggedest places that I've been, places that I thought I couldn't even live through and yet here I am. That jagged hole when I lost my first born without even getting to take her home... the loss of my mother - the one constant in my life... that raw gash in my heart at the death of my son... the aching emptiness at the loss of my baby sister and then again another puncture wound - my oldest sister's death... All these I thought I couldn't bear and yet I'm still on this road and hopefully headed in the right direction. Admittedly, my feet haven't touched the ground for years. But, what makes me think that if I'm asked to trek to Missouri that I can't?! I will see you there!
So, after beating myself up for all my weaknesses, I finally came to the realization that being in rough or uncomfortable spots makes us stronger and not necessarily through anything we do on our own. I look back on the raggedest places that I've been, places that I thought I couldn't even live through and yet here I am. That jagged hole when I lost my first born without even getting to take her home... the loss of my mother - the one constant in my life... that raw gash in my heart at the death of my son... the aching emptiness at the loss of my baby sister and then again another puncture wound - my oldest sister's death... All these I thought I couldn't bear and yet I'm still on this road and hopefully headed in the right direction. Admittedly, my feet haven't touched the ground for years. But, what makes me think that if I'm asked to trek to Missouri that I can't?! I will see you there!
2 comments:
Tell you what...I'll find a shopping cart and I'll push you a ways and you push me a ways all the way to Missouri and we'll get there together. Deal? Cute post....I love keeping up with your life. Hugssssss and kissessss!
That silver lining is more sparkley sometimes than others. You've endured so many difficult experiences that would've leveled others. That type of wisdom and tempering is so valuable. Good thing we'll have each other to walk side by side with, eh? I would've been a terrible pioneer.
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